\ˈfre-nə-mē\

The month of February and I have a complicated relationship. And by complicated, I mean that I think it's the worst month of the year, and it thinks that I'm an overly-judgmental sourpuss (and, let's be honest - at least when it comes to this subject, that's true). But I think that there are some pretty compelling arguments for this opinion: 1) the weather, which was great in December, is now just more of the same, 2) the emotional toll that comes from four months of Vitamin D shortage, 3) the cabin fever and 4) the lack of celebrations/major holidays (I realize that February is Black History Month, as well as the month of the Super Bowl, President's Day, and yes, I'll say it, Valentine's Day, but you have to admit that these holidays either appeal to a pretty specific demographic or clock in at about the same thrill level as Earth Day.) 

To be completely honest, a lot of my animosity toward February stems from the fact that winter intensifies Celiac symptoms, so I've spent the majority of my last two Februaries on vocal rest, not eating, drinking apple cider vinegar, being shunted from specialist to specialist, feeling like I was sleep-walking through each day and conserving energy by spending weekends in bed watching 16-hour marathons of America's Next Top Model.

But February 2010 is going to be different. I've been gluten-free for almost a year (!), and I've decided to make an honest attempt to patch things up with February. While we'll probably never be BFF's, I think that we should at least be frenemies. So I got all dressed up to honor its first day and eagerly awaited February's first major holiday, Candlemas, or as it's more commonly known - Groundhog Day.  

I really thought that Groundhog Day was going to help jumpstart the healing process - it's got quirk, a strange, furry, animal mascot, a classic movie, and plenty of opportunity for its participants to be ironically aware of the ridiculous premise of the day - and I love all of those things (especially quirk and ironic awareness)! 

So I went to the official Punxsutawney Groundhog Day website (www.groundhog.org) to get the scuttlebutt on the holiday and on Phil, the world's foremost celebrity groundhog. I was expecting a few references to the Bill Murray movie, some history, maybe a list of traditional Groundhog Day funtivities, a few pictures of Phil and his shadow - you know, the [juʒ]. Instead, there were some creepy guys in top hats, a plus-size groundhog, and this confusing FAQ section:

**"How often is Phil's prediction correct? 100% of the time, of course!"

That...doesn't seem right. (In reality, Phil has been right somewhere between 25% and 39% of the time.) 

**"How many 'Phils' have there been over the years? There has only been one Punxsutawney Phil. He has been making predictions for over 120 years!"

Well, now Phil's record doesn't seem so bad - 39% over 120 years is pretty impressive. But I have to ask - what kind of crazy wellness plan is Phil on (considering that the average groundhog lives 10 years in captivity)?

**"Punxsutawney Phil gets his longevity from drinking the 'elixir of life,' a secret recipe. Phil takes a sip every summer at the Groundhog Picnic, and it magically gives him seven more years of life."

Ok, now this is just getting weird. Immortal jellyfish? Yes. Vampires that live forever? Sure. An immortal rodent that apparently has a monopoly on Ponce de Leon's magical punch fountain? Um...sorry 'boutcha.

**"After Phil emerges from his burrow on February 2nd, he speaks to the Groundhog Club president in 'Groundhogese' (a language only understood by the current president of the Inner Circle). His proclamation is then translated for the world."

I'm not sure I understand. Can't they figure out whether or not Phil sees his shadow without having a conversation? Should Phil's reputation for inaccuracy actually be blamed on the incompetency of the various presidents of the Inner Circle? Are they just really terrible at translating 'Groundhogese'? Or do groundhogs actually have a natural gift for weather-forecasting, but Phil is just messing with us, because some creepsters with beards and top hats are babbling at him in a made-up language while he should still be hibernating?

**"For the first time ever, Punxsutawney Phil to text his Groundhog Day prediction!"

Ooooh. Color me intrigued. And I have to give kudos to Phil - not many 120+ year-old groundhogs bother to learn to text! AND he's a poet - the confirmation text I received read, "You are so in the know it is like being in the burrow!"

This post originally was going to include a manual for celebrating Groundhog Day properly. I just can't do it - frankly, this holiday creeps me out. But I'm not giving up on February just yet - there are plenty of other things to look forward to, like: longer days, the promise of spring, umm... quirkyalone Day (by the way, I scored 118, which apparently makes me "very quirkyalone. I may not be romancing a single person, but I am romancing the world."), National Tooth Fairy Day...

I guess there's always the extra 'r' in 'February' - I think that's lovely. And most importantly, there are only 27 days left.

Thank goodness for the Olympics.